Prior to working with (primarily) religious trauma clients I worked with clients who were in, trying to get out of, or had just gotten out of domestically violent relationships. Though there were many things to work through as a survivor grappled with what happened to them, almost immediately they would ask questions about how it was they had “gotten into” that type of a relationship. I was often also asked by well-meaning friends, family members, and support systems who were concerned and frustrated that someone they knew and loved seemed to be unable to leave what was obviously a toxic and dangerous relationship. 

Though safety was the top priority in helping my clients, one of the quickest ways to help someone understand they were not safe and that it really was that bad was helping them understand that the relationship they were in was not defined by normal relationship “rules”.

Instead, they existed within a relationship or system that was characterized by dynamics of power and control. 

That can feel like a mouthful…dynamics of power and control in relationships and/or systems! Essentially what this means is that a relationship or system like this there is one person (or a group of people) that hold a belief that who they are, what they want, and how they desire for life to be, determines how others should act, think, and feel about the relationship. These requirements are meant to act as a foundation of what is/is not allowed within the system or relationship in order to maintain connection—or at least the illusion of it.

Grabs for power and control over someone are not usually overt and are, instead, often quite subtle and in many cases can be easily dismissed or written off as something else.

Dynamics of power and control are small, subtle and often intentional actions, worlds, behaviors, tones, looks, and motions that slowly begin to strip away a sense of self-empowerment, autonomy, and choice from an individual or groups of people. 

Understanding these dynamics and what this practically looked like in relationship was essential for clients. Because these dynamics were so subtle, victims of perpetrators of domestic violence often struggled to recognize what was happening. While they could identify that certain things felt off or that they didn’t like that they felt like they were walking on eggshells, that they couldn’t make a mistake, or that they had to silence themselves, their voice, their wants, or needs, for many people who had not yet experienced physical abuse, they couldn’t pin point why the relationship felt so off. 

Though one blog post is not enough to fully flesh out various ways in which power and control can be gained in a relationship, I’ll include an overview here: 

• Emotional abuse and jealousy 

• Threats/accusations/intimidation 

• Isolation

• Minimizing/denying/blaming 

• Using children 

• Using male privilege and patriarchy

• Economic abuse 

What we see in the above list is many behaviors and attitudes that seem small, subtle or inconsequential. In some cases, we might even think to ourselves that we have participated in this as well. And that might be true. Dynamics of power and control are not built on IF you engage in any of these behaviors. Rather, dynamics of power and control result when these patterns of behaviors are persistent, consistent, and get worse (even after they have been addressed). As humans we all have relational moments where we respond in less than favorable ways.

Sometimes, especially when there is a lot of unresolved trauma, betrayals, and fear of rejection and disconnection, we may even feel like how we act towards others is represented well in the list above. Though it’s more complex than this, it’s probably good to recognize that there is a difference between engaging in these behaviors as a result of trauma, being in an abusive relationship, lack of trust or instability and then being a perpetrator of domestic abuse and violence. Typically when someone is the latter, they have no desire to change their behaviors and instead double down, accuse, dismiss, and often try and convince the victim that they are the ones being violated. For those that are engaging in toxic, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy relational behaviors for reasons other than being an abusive person, it’s not uncommon that once they know about the behaviors they will seek to change, will take responsibility, or even be appalled as they realize how their behavior impacts others. In many cases there is a quick and clear recognition that their behavior stems from fear and terror versus desiring to have power or control over someone. 

This is NOT to suggest that someone’s abusive behavior should be tolerated or empathy extended simply because they have been traumatized or are scared of betrayal or abandonment. Regardless of the reasons why someone may be engaging in behavior that is abusive is never a reason for abuse to be ok. We are each responsible for our pain in spite of what has happened to us. 

In a relationship where dynamics of power and control are present, it leaves the victimized person/people with a sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and very little choice and autonomy in their lives. Their sense of well being and ability to function lies with the perpetrator of the power and control as their rules and guidelines determine how life should be lived and relationships engaged in—and these rules can change all the time! This slowly grates away at a sense of self, being able to trust your inner voice, or even trust that you are a person of worth and value. As this confidence is worn down, the person in the more powerful position gains more control—which often looks like having to dispel very little effort to get their victim to doubt themselves, cater to the abuser’s demands, and being able to convince the person who is being abused that they actually want it to happen, cause it to happen, or are perpetrating it themselves. 

October is Domestic Violence awareness month; bringing light to these dynamics is important so we can better understand abuse and offer meaningful support to individuals who are in, are trying to get out of, or have just gotten out of these relationships. 

I mentioned at the beginning that I worked with DV clients prior to working with clients coming out of high control religion. However, what I began to notice the more I worked with religious trauma clients, the more I saw similar dynamics within fundamentalist religion and it was through understanding what happened in those relationships that informed much of my research and clinical advocacy.

But if you’d like to learn more about dynamics of power and control inside of fundamentalism AND the correlation between fundamentalism and domestic violence, join my membership space!

In it you’ll have access to more information, resources, and a community that is journeying toward healing as well!