The Most Wonderful, Sad, Grief-Stricken, Nostalgic, Confusing Time Of The Year
As I am writing this, I can hear holiday music floating through my house and as I glance up I can see my Christmas tree and other decor that represents this time of year. I am grateful to be at a place in my life where this feels cozy and nostalgic to me. But it hasn’t always been that way.
I remember the first time I didn’t go ‘home for the holidays’, over a decade ago. It was mostly due to financial reasons, but interwoven in that was a bit of fear in knowing how to show up to celebrate a holiday that I had mixed feelings about. I knew that I didn’t want to celebrate the way I had in the past, but I also didn’t have an alternative. On top of that, I had a lot of anger as I had begun to unravel the lies and doctrines I had embraced for three decades.
There were a few years that celebrating Christmas was really difficult–where I had to celebrate loosely, or in some cases, not at all. I think that’s common for individuals who are at some of the beginning stages of deconstructing their faith and healing from religious trauma. It can be painful to engage in practices that not only no longer fit who you are as a person but bring up grief and sadness for what you’ve lost and maybe even a little anger that this, too, has to change.
Certainly, this dynamic is not only for people who are in the beginning stages of religious deconstruction or trauma healing. It can last many years, sometimes even a lifetime.
I am often asked how to navigate this time of year–and I think that’s a fair and necessary question to ask. So, I wanted to offer a few tips:
Decide what feels best for you - part of what we learn in the trauma resolution and recovery process is that we get to make choices…and a lot of them! This can seem overwhelming, but I encourage people to begin making small, manageable choices rather than cannonballing into unfamiliar territory. So perhaps it's abstaining from holiday church services, decorating your house, or participating in other traditions…or not participating in anything at all! We get to choose what we want this time of year to be for us AND it can change every year!
Make it what you want - one of the things we often get “stuck” with regarding this time of year is feeling like we must do certain things simply because that’s the way we’ve always done them. And if that’s what you want, go for it! But for those of you who want or need to do something different, consider what that might be.
Practice boundaries - remember, boundaries are for YOU–what YOU need in order to feel safe in a situation or relationship. Identify what some of those things might be. What are the things that you could say “yes” to, what are the things that need to be shifted around a bit, and what are the hard “no’s”? Identify these things ahead of time so that you aren’t scrambling in the heat of the moment…and then decide which of these things need to be communicated to other people and which you can keep to yourself and simply act upon.
Be proactive - consider sharing your boundaries as necessary ahead of time. Doing this gives time for other people to adjust their expectations and it helps with not having to make as big of a deal in the moment. What are the things you can and cannot participate in? What can you do ahead of time to pre-manage the situation in an effort to have the holiday be what you want it to be?
Develop a support network - this can be absolutely essential in navigating the holidays. Maybe it’s friends to celebrate with instead of or in addition to your family. Perhaps it’s people who can check in on you or encourage you to keep taking care of yourself and implementing your boundaries. Or perhaps it’s someone that you can sneak away and vent to when things get overwhelming!
Take care of yourself - this seems obvious, but we often forget to do it. Take stock of the things you can do–large and small–that would help you remain oriented to the present moment and able to make choices (versus reacting). Perhaps that is building in extra time with people you feel safe with, or giving yourself extra time to rest or be by yourself. Maybe that means having a little get away trip, or finding some great novels to immerse yourself in. Prioritize daily acts of self care!
Also, this is a topic that we are covering on Sunday School Dropouts (a podcast I co-host) this month; my bestie and I are also covering it on our podcast The Wise Jezebels at the end of this month. And, I am also posting about this on social media a lot!
And, it’s also worth noting that around this time of year, it’s pretty common to feel triggered, activated, grief, and so much more. It’s so important to allow yourself extra doses of compassion. Also, please know that there are practitioners at the Center for Trauma Resolution and Recovery that are well versed in this process of deconstructing your religion, cult, or fundamentalism and healing from it.
And remember: there is no end goal that we are working toward with this other than you being able to make choices of what’s right to you. You don’t need to strive towards my Christmas decor and holiday music–that’s not the place that you must end up in order to be healing from what you’ve endured. Start small, make it yours, and have a happy whatever-you-need-it-to-be.